Iris-A Matrix Songfic
by SunGoddess7
Summary: The feelings of Neo during a rough time, using the song Iris by Googoo Dolls


A/N: First off, I'd just like to say that I'd like to thank Momo Claus for reminding me of this timeless song...I love your fanfic with Tobias using this song. IT WAS GREAT!! I cried so hard....anyway, no, I don't own either 'The Matrix' or Googoo Doll's 'Iris', although I wish I had because they're *so* incredible! Anyway, enjoy! Also, I'd like to give out my deepest apologies to the victims of the recent terrorist attacks. This has ravaged this country and shaken it to the bone, to the soul. But like Jon Stewart said; "The view used to be the World Trade Center, but now it's gone. But now, the view is the Statue of Liberty, and nothing can beat that." We can't let this break us apart. I hope that instead of bringing out the worst, this tragedy will bring out the best in all of us; that we will come together as a nation and become a nation once more.

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And I'd give up forever to touch you, 'cause I know that you'd feel me somehow...

The world was cold, and nothing mattered anymore. She was gone...gone. A small, almost tiny four-letter word that seemed so insignificant normally but was now like a knife to his heart every time he thought it. His room was tiny and the walls were metallic, and Neo didn't think his mind would be much different, even if he did walk out of his sleeping chambers.

He sat on the edge of his bed, his head in his hands and his elbows resting on his knees, digging into the skin. But pain no longer mattered. All that had mattered to him before had been her, and now she was gone. So nothing mattered.

How he yearned to touch her face one more time, to see her lovely face, to breathe in her scent, to taste her lips...his heart and soul were ravaged now, worsely battered than the Nebechadnezzer had been after the war. No, war was too gentle a word. 'Apocalypse' seemed better fit. But they were gone now. 

Neo knew he should be out celebrating like everyone else. The human race was free. There were still thousands of people still hooked up of course, but that was necessary. It would be absolute pandemonium if everyone were released. These were the people who were so dependent on the system that Morpheus wasn't sure if they should even be freed. But no. Everyone needed to be free. And now, thanks to Neo, that would be possible.

The machines were gone, and only a few remained. They were the renegades, the few that would always be there, complicating life. But people would thrive. They would flourish. And they would find someone to love, since they never had before.

But he wouldn't be able to. He had finally experienced love for the first time, truthfully. But she had been ripped from his life, from his heart like a weed from a beloved garden. He had tried to grasp on and not let her go, but there was no stopping it. He could stop death in the Matrix, but in the real world he was as powerless as the next.

What he wouldn't do to see her, just one last time....

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You're the closest to heaven that I've ever been, and I don't wanna go home right now....

A huge hole was sunk deep in the pit of his stomach. He stood up now, pacing the room like a caged animal, running his hands through his hair, which was now almost as long as it had been in the Matrix. He was taking deep breaths. In and out. In and out. He had to focus, had to keep telling himself to breathe, because if he didn't, he know he wouldn't remember to, and then he'd be dead. Not that that would make too big a difference for him. 

'No, Neo...stop. Stop thinking like that!' he shouted at himself mentally. 'You need to stay alive..if not for yourself, for her. She fought for these people, and they're going to need you.'

He flopped down on the flimsy mattress and leaned against the wall, closing his eyes and sighing. Images from what had happened flashed across his eyelids in short vignettes like a horrible reoccurring nightmare...

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And all I can taste is this moment...

The machines had infiltrated Zion. No one knew how they'd gotten the codes or been able to crack them if it had resorted to that, but they were there none the less. The Nebechadnezzer had been in Zion, still trying to rally the troops in an effort to get ready for the final showdown, but it seemed that the tables had changed on them.

Neo was the One, so of course he was on the front lines, as was the rest of Morpheus' crew. There were enough resources and people to fight back, and they had a strong chance of winning. Neo had freed thousands of people soon after he had discovered his being the One, and the Resistance had grown in leaps and bounds. Most were transported to Zion as the most war training was happening there, and only a select few were chosen to be part of the crew under the watchful eye of their captain, Morpheus.

The Nebchadnezzer had been recouping in Zion. The Commanders had wanted Neo present for some of the trainings, and he had agreed. So there they were. Working when all hell broke loose. 

Sirens had gone off everywhere and the screams of people from out and below echoed up to them and they grabbed weapons, the largest guns they could find, then tore outside.

The sight that met them was like something out of an old war movie. Hundreds of citizens of Zion, in their shabby clothing, were holding silvery guns and firing purple, red, and green lasers at huge, spidery looking machines that were bearing down upon them.

The Neb crew had the largest and most deadly weapons and they fired without mercy. Neo kept a watchful eye on her from the corner of his eye. He watched as she shot with fury at a metallic behemoth. He did the same to his own machine, which was by far smaller than hers. The beast that was attacking her lunged and she dodged it easily, then continued shooting. Finally, it crumpled and fell, making bands of electricity and lighting shock across the metal as cords snapped and the monster crashed to the ground. 

Neo watched as she celebrated, raising her arms up in triumph. But she didn't see the machine coming from behind her, this one with very primitive weapons; knives attached to long, snake-like arms that were flailing in every direction. She didn't see as the sharp implements buried themselves into the flesh of her back, spurting blood all over the place. 

But Neo saw, and Neo remembered...

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And all I can breathe is your life...

"NOO!" he had screamed, finishing up with the machine he had been shooting and running for her, his arms outstretched to catch her. Everything seemed to freeze as she dropped into his arms and he fell to his knees, bringing her down gently. 

Blood drenched his arms and stained his sleeves, but he never let go. She stared up at him, color draining at a startling pace from her face. She had reached a hand for his face, resting it along the side of his head. He had covered her hand with his own trembling hand, her eyes boring into his even as life left her

"I love you, Neo." she had whispered, and the words echoed through his brain even now. Then her eyes had glassed over, gazing from his eyes to hundreds of miles away, but his eyes continued to hold gaze with hers. Her hand was limp and now clammy in his. 

And then Trinity died in his arms.

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Cause sooner or later it's over, I just don't wanna miss you tonight...

He leaned forward again, resting his elbows on his knees and burying his face in his hands. Something rustled in his stomach making his muscles clench. It was like an animal scratching at his insides, trying to get free. 

Images bubbled up within him, some of them from so long ago. Images of seeing Trinity for the first time at the dingy, dirty night club before he'd been freed. Flashes of her working around the Neb, helping him get accustomed to things. Pictures of her in the Matrix, saving his sorry ass and convincing him of the impossible. And a sweet dream of her and that fateful kiss. He could feel the warmth filling him from within at the thought of that, and with his eyes closed he could feel her lips against his in a loving kiss, but then he opened his eyes and saw the cold steel, and his body became just as cold at the harsh return to reality. He beat his head with his fists, trying get her image from his head, trying to beat her out of his system. He wanted to get rid of her, to stop letting her make him crazy. But that would be impossible.

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And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand...

He was staring up at the ceiling, now feeling like a prison inmate. "And this is how it'll be for eternity." he thought morbidly. 

His tongue was fat in his mouth from lack of moisture, and his stomach rumbled from hunger, but he didn't make any move to get food or water. Just stayed in his position on his knees, cradling his head in his hands.

A knock at the door. "Neo?" came a muffled voice from the three-inch thick metal door. He said nothing. He figured if he didn't acknowledge their presence, the person would go away. But they didn't. The knob turned and the door was pushed open. The muscular form of Tank, the Neb's operator stood in the doorframe, holding a tray of food. Food, meaning the miniscule hunk of bread made from synthetic grains and fiber, a mushy and old piece of fruit, and the customary bowl of snot. A small cup of water in a metal glass sat in the corner of the tray.

Tank set the table on a tiny table that was near the cot. He stared at Neo for a long time, but Neo didn't look up, or say anything. Finally, he left, the metal on metal chink of the closing door sending chills up his spine. The sight of the food and cup of water made his mouth salivate and his stomach growl noisily. He ignored it, and hugging his knees to his chest, rested his forehead on his knees.

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When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am...

A deep pit had dropped into his stomach again, and his head was starting to spin. A burden weighed itself on his heart. He wished he could have known her just a little longer, been with her longer. They had only been together for such a short time, in retrospect, but it had seemed as if they had eternity from where they had been. 

Life was too short. Neo snorted. What a cliche. Everyone said that, but only now did he actually realize it. She had barely gotten to know him, and him, her. If only..if only...

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And you can't fight the tears that ain't comin'...

Hot tears stung the back of his eyes at these thoughts. Her face swam in and out of his mind and made the tears come even quicker. Finally, he couldn't stop them anymore. 

They didn't slowly trickle, but burst from him. A strangled cry of pain, misery, and anguish, and then a river of tears flooding his eyes and impairing his vision. He fell onto his side and curled into a fetal position, and he felt as if his heart was ripping in two...and it was. It really was.

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All the moments of truth in your lies. When everything feels like the movies, yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive!

Tears continued to course down his cheeks, but the sobs had subsided. He wiped his nose on his sleeve like a small child. He couldn't stand it any longer and reached over to the tray. He grabbed the tin cup first, taking a deep swig from it as the cool water gushed over his tongue and filling his mouth. It was like sweet nectar, but he tried to see it as bitter. Trinity wasn't having any, therefore it would never be as sweet as it could have been.

The bread was dull but it was better than the white slop he'd eaten so many times. It was harder to swallow since actually had to chew. The fruit tasted just as soggy as it had looked. It was mushy but sweet. Neo couldn't stand it. He moved onto the slop. 

This was the most familiar thing of all; this white goo. It slipped like some kind of amphibian down his throat, but it was so familiar. No surprises, nothing new. This just brought more memories of Trinity to his mind, but he swallowed them down along with the goop.

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And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am...

He was sitting on the floor still, with his knees against his chest and one arm wrapped around them, the free hand still holding the tin cup. He stared at it, contemplating. 

'I could easily break off the handle and sharpen the edge...' he started thinking...he had gone into a trance-like state, and his eyes were focusing on something millions of miles away. They looked like Trinity's after she'd died...

He stared at the cup, transfixed, then started pulling on the handle. As it was tin, it was cheap and the nail holding it together broke easily against the force. The edge was sharp and flat, a good cutting instrument. He raised it above his wrist, holding it up so that the veins were clearly visible. He pulled the sharp edge above the vein and was about to drag it across when he snapped back to reality.

Looking down, he saw what he was doing and quick chucked the cup handle across the room, disgusted at what he was about to resort to. He tucked his wrist into the space between his stomach and his thighs. 

Finally, he had direction. He needed to get out of that room. It was driving him mad.

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I just want you to know who I am...

He was wearing the nicest outfit he owned, which was a pair of black pants and a black shirt. This was the nicest Zion had to offer in these times, but Neo gratefully accepted them. He was glad to be out of his itchy daywear.   
A bonfire was burning and a long table with a grated bottom was resting on top of it. With grim realization, Neo pieced together what that was all about. Her body was going to be placed atop that fire, and be incinerated. It made sense. They were already underground, so what would be the point of burying the dead? Better to cremate them and spread the ashes. 

A hand on his shoulder. He turned his head to come face to face with the Nebchadnezzer captain himself; Morpheus.

"You made it. I was afraid you wouldn't come."

Neo could only nod. Emotion was taking him over again, and his throat constricted. 

"Follow me. You've been asked to help carry the body."

'Oh great.' he couldn't help thinking with dread. As much as he yearned to see her, he didn't want to see her like this. This was be painful. This would be much harder. 

He followed Morpheus like a puppy with its tail between its legs. Finally they came to a small shack. Inside were several very well dressed men with epaulets and medals dangling from their jackets. These were the officials, the Commanders of Zion.

The one with the most medals stepped forward and shook Neo's hand soberly. "Thank you for coming, One." This is what they always called him; One. It was annoying, but Neo never put up a fight about it.

Neo nodded back solemnly. The man stepped back, and the other men dispersed as well to reveal a table at the back, and resting atop the table was-

"Trinity." Neo breathed as he caught sight of her. Several of the Commanders dropped their heads. Neo's throat got even tighter and his heart jumped into his throat.

He made a slow and steady path for her body to give a final look down. She was pale and had waxy skin. Here eyes were shut and her deep, dark brown hair had been brushed to gleaming point, something very rarely seen in Zion. She was in a dress, which was another rare thing. It had been made specially for the occasion, and it made her look beautiful, even in death. Her hands rested on her stomach, making her look like a Snow White waiting for Prince Charming to kiss her back to life. How Neo longed to do that...

He stared into her face. She looked as if she might wake up at any moment, as if she were just sleeping. But no. There was still that small part that told him she wouldn't be getting up.

He pursed his lips inward and stepped back, looking down and trying to hide the tears that had sprung up again.

Another hand on his shoulder, and he knew it was Morpheus. "Can you handle this, Neo?" Morpheus whispered into his ear, and Neo nodded. It would be tough, but he could do it. He knew he must. 

Neo walked over and slipped his arms beneath the stretcher top she was resting on and lifted. Morpheus was taking the foot end, Neo the head, with two Commanders on one side, and a third on the other. 

"Where's the fourth?" the head Commander asked.

"He should be here any minute..." said the one who still needed a partner distractedly.

And then 'he' showed up. Tank came in wearing an outfit similar to Neo's. It was the first time he'd seen Tank in an outfit other than the one he normally wore. He walked silently up so he was closer to Neo, but beside the other Commander. The head Commander was leading the group out, and with a nod they all started walking.

A small congregation had now collected outside, and Neo could hear their whispers and see the fingers that pointed at him. Many still hadn't seen the One that hailed the end of the war, and so this was a new thing for them. A time to goggle. How sick.

The fire raged and burned off heat before them. It was a pleasant sensation, but not when you knew your only love was being thrown into the fiery depths. The rested the stretcher on another table that was right in front of the fire. Sparks flew up and singed Neo's skin. He didn't flinch.

The head Commander got up and said a few words, but it was all slurred and Neo wasn't paying attention. He was watching the quite still, quite dead Trinity. His life, his real life, seemed to play in fast forward. The tears came again but he easily swallowed them back.

Finally, the Commander stopped talking and was looking at Neo. He nodded at Trinity, and he understood. Walking to feet closer to the stretcher, and placed his hands on the end closest to her head, his fingers inches from her hair. He was about to push, but just couldn't. He kept staring at her. 

Then, he couldn't hold it back any longer. He bent down at the middle and kissed her forehead. A short, sweet, gentle kiss, but significant to him none the less. Then, closing his eyes, he pushed her into the fire. 

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I just want you to know who I am...

He could hear it crackling and popping, but couldn't see as he'd turned away immediately. Pressing his fist to his lips, he closed his eyes and tried not to cry. 

"Goodbye, Trinity..."

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I just want you to know who I am...

A/N: Thanks for taking the time to read this. Remember, *NO* flames, positive criticism only. R&R, peace!


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